


Steal Your Wallet

by NattouBee



Category: The Avengers (Marvel Movies), The Avengers - Ambiguous Fandom
Genre: Avengers as a team, Fluff, Gen, Not Avengers: Age of Ultron (Movie) Compliant, Team as Family, i tried to make it cute
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-08-03
Updated: 2015-08-03
Packaged: 2018-04-12 17:34:41
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,881
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4488519
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/NattouBee/pseuds/NattouBee
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>When it comes to physical contact, Bruce has two modes; Stay Away, and Steal Your Wallet.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Steal Your Wallet

**Author's Note:**

> based on this post: http://itstheavengerscast.tumblr.com/post/116712667587/markruffalo-is-a-gem  
> (not my tumblr, though it is a good one)

When it comes to physical contact, Bruce has two modes; Stay Away, and Steal Your Wallet.

If you asked any of the other Avengers, they would probably guess that it started when he was on the run from the government and needed cash fast, though they admitted that it could have started much earlier than that.

(If pressed, Bruce would probably say that it started when his father wouldn't give him food or money for it, back in high school, but that's beside the point)

The greatest part is, in Bruce's opinion (and anyone who wasn't the victim), that people hardly noticed until it was too late.

It started like this:

Tony had, of course, been an almost constant source of physical contact since day one. Thor as well, but Thor didn't have a wallet with Midgardian currency for a long while.

So, Tony, having noticed that Bruce liked to keep away from everyone and avoid contact as much as possible, slowly but surely worked his way up to draping himself all over Bruce's back when looking over his shoulder at Science!, or when they watched movies on the sofa (and how did Pepper not mind her boyfriend basically throwing himself at Bruce, of all people? That woman was a saint, and would never be victim to Bruce's little game).

So, when Bruce finally decided enough was enough, he scared the shit out of Tony by hugging him back tightly, patting his back.

And stealing his wallet.

Granted, this was not the first time he'd picked Tony's pocket, just the first time he did it intentionally. Instead of putting it back as soon as possible, he would hold onto it until Tony started to freak out.

Sure enough, four hours later, when Tony stormed through, almost an hour late to his date with Pepper (so an hour early in Tony Time, which was pretty impressive), looking for his "goddamn wallet, I swear I didn't give it legs", Bruce left it quietly on the floor near the shared workstation, and kicked it when he "found" it.

After that it became almost a game.

...

This is how it continued:

After Tony, he did it with Steve.

Steve keeps his wallet in his right back pocket. Predictable. 

It was just after a long mission that left Bruce drained- not Hulk-drained, just Science-drained- and sore- alright, that was Hulk in the second hour of the mission. He was a little annoyed at having to work hours three through seven of the stupid mission in the stupid purple-grey stretch pants he and Tony had made. He was a little annoyed that the solution was so glaring simple and obvious. He was a little annoyed that everyone was acting like he was going to pass out or Hulk out again at any moment. 

Okay, he would admit that he was a bit more than a little annoyed.

So when Steve gave him a tentative congratulatory shoulder pat at a job well done, he grabbed the Captain, already in street clothes, in a bear hug.

And stole his wallet.

(He felt bad and snuck it back into Steve's room four hours later as he slept his Post-Mission-Coma-Nap.)

...

He managed to get Clint's when the archer was way too focused on a video game match with Tony, and being far too loud.

Clint almost felt it, and were anyone other than the three of them there he probably would have been caught. 

He left it stuck between the couch cushions. 

Clint was more crazy than Tony in the search for his wallet.

...

The next time was the first time he used anyone's money. It just makes sense that it was also Tony's wallet.

Tony had been in one of his Do-All-The-SCIENCE! (Trademark, Darcy Lewis, two-thousand-and-always) moods, and hadn't slept for close to three days, not letting Bruce sleep for the past two. Some time late into the first day, when it became clear that Tony wasn't letting him go back to sleep any time soon, Bruce stole his wallet, shoved it in his back pocket- the right one, the left pocket was occupied by his own wallet- and kind of forgot. So, when he walked out of the tower late the second day, he was surprised to find it there still. 

Deciding that if Stark Industries was supplying Bruce Banner with a high-tech lab fully knowing he could 'Hulk out' at any time, Tony could afford to pay for a cup of tea at his favorite local café, he made his way further into town.

(Tony never noticed)

...

Once Thor got a wallet, he was open game. So when he was being far too loud, far to early in the morning (or really late afternoon, Bruce had just woken up from a post-SCIENCE!-binge 12-hour recovery nap), Thor lost his wallet to Bruce, and not even Natasha noticed.

He left it on the seat Thor occupied, roughly where the wallet would have been in relation to the god's butt, not trusting a man who had been fighting wars longer than many countries have existed to not notice something off, and he kind of liked this game.

...

He almost ruined his game when he picked Natasha's pocket. As it was, he didn't pick a pocket on her per se, but the jacket the slim wallet was in was draped over the back of the chair she was sat on in a somewhat crowded restaurant, right next to Bruce on his best pick-pocketing side. He didn't purchase anything with her money, respecting her too much to do so (and there was still that annoying little spark of guilt that Hulk almost killed her on their first meeting, scaring her to her bones), but he kept it for a little over the hour it took them to finish eating, pay and leave.

Seeing the usually calm spy freeze, slap a hand over her pockets and say "my wallet" before he gave it back with no mention to how he got it was so worth the suspicious glare. When she used the death glare she usually reserved for dumb low-level S.H.I.E.L.D agents, he shrugged and made up some bullshit excuse that he picked it up as they were walking out, she must have dropped it, he thought she knew. (He's either naturally awkward enough or a better liar than he thought, because she doesn't question him further, and seems mostly satisfied. Life continues.)

...

The next time, it's Clint's. Again.

There's some huge prank war going on between Clint, Natasha, Jane Foster's entire lab (as one team lead by 'Best Assistant Ever' Darcy) and, surprisingly enough, J.A.R.V.I.S and Steve (as one team). Bruce gets caught in the crossfire of a Barton prank against Team SCIENCE!, wherein Bruce ends up covered in honest-to-god egg yolks and feathers. Bruce gets his revenge in two parts.

Part one, hugging Clint, still covered in yolk and feathers. Clint, Bruce decided, cringed and squirmed wonderfully when eggs slid down his back.

Part two was stealing his wallet. He didn't dare take any money though, both because shoving the egg down his shirt was punishment enough, and because Bruce Banner knew for a fact that while Clint Barton was a mess, he knew exactly how much was in his wallet down to the last penny.

So he dropped it on the ground as he pulled away from the hug, as if he accidentally knocked it out of his shallow back pocket (a part of Steve's prank, the man is handy with a needle) and handed it back to its owner.

...

When someone found out- a shocking three months after The Prank (all caps because apparently Clint liked the drama) - he didn't react the best way.

It was Clint. Of course it was. Because despite Tony's sporadic donations to their Stark issued bank accounts, Clint still knew when something was funny with his records.

He approaches Bruce slowly, almost like he's some sort of prey animal, in his own lab. (Later, Bruce thinks it was the archer giving the scientist a small comfort in this confrontation being on his home turf, so to speak.)

"Doc?" He says then hesitates. "Did you- uh- did you use my credit card?"

Bruce freezes.

"Moreover, did you steal my wallet?"

Bruce's hands shake as he puts down the pen he was holding.

"Yes."

It's almost a whisper, and he whips his head to start apologizing, but Clint's faster with his words. 

"Dude! How did you do it? How did that get passed me? When the hell did you even manage it? I mean at least it was only once, right?" Bruce's face fell and he seemed to shrink more into himself. Clint let out an incredulous laugh. "Dude! Bro! You've been holding out on us! Who else have you done this to? How long has it been going on? Think anyone realized what you were doing? What were you doing anyways?"

"When I was... Traveling, sometimes I didn't have the money to get out if someone came looking for me. I got good at picking pockets." He explained simply. Only a half lie.

"Who else have you been doing it to?"

"Uhh.." Bruce hesitated. 

"Tony? Steve? Does Thor even have a wallet? You couldn't have gotten Nat's... did you? Holy shit, you did!?" Clint let out a loud laugh. "Dude, keep it up. This is a great training exercise. If I can't tell, you definitely deserve a tea on me."

"Are you... uhh... You're not going to tell anyone, are you?"

"Well, if I know, and we're in the tower, then ultimately Nat, J.A.R.V.I.S, Tony and Pepper are going to find out. Really hope you didn't lift Pepper's wallet-"

"Never"

"And Steve and Thor are going to find out sooner or later, too, but I highly doubt they'll be upset. Well, Nat might be upset she didn't catch it, but she'll look at it like a training exercise."

"I really hope you're right."

"Y'know what? Me too."

...

It ends like this:

Everyone knows, and everyone makes a game out of it.

The first time Tony caught him, he slapped Bruce's hand away from his wallet with a loud 'A-HA!' That caused Bruce to flinch away. Every time after that he just danced out of the way.

Natasha lifts his wallet almost as much as he lifts hers.

Thor catches him almost ninety-five percent of the time, but sometimes lets him have it.

Steve doesn't catch it as often as he thought he would have, but when a S.H.I.E.L.D spy tried to lift his wallet to plant a tracking device in it, he did catch them.

Clint still doesn't catch him half the time, or at least pretends not to. Bruce can't tell. 

Pepper thanked him for not doing it to her with a nice tea set she found for cheap online ("what a shame, too," she had said, "it really should be worth more. Look, you can see the brush strokes.")

And when new friends come, he waits a while before attempting it. Sometimes it works, sometimes it doesn't, and everyone always keeps a ten dollar bill in their wallets for him. Just in case.


End file.
